Tears flowed hot, heavy and laden with fear.

When did life become so scary? Where did the girl go who always had a smile for everyone; who always looked at the glass half full? How did she turn into the alpha dog that wants to control everything in an attempt to make it all seem more manageable?

Getting what I want in life is not the big challenge...it's an easy enough energy to command. I see it, keep my eye on it and don't settle for less...even in the face of great resistance from others (that's the hardest part; the doubt others can create), even through the boredom that comes during the waiting and eventually, the prize is mine and it's very exciting...for a minute or two. Then, ironically, the work starts.

Maintaining the desire for what I want after I've attained it...that's the trick. I believe it's called...

Gratitude (insert angelic choir here :) )

I know what I'm Grateful for,(I'll spare you my list)...I just haven't expressed it nearly enough. The fear takes over when I anticipate the changes coming. A massive cosmic luggage cart coming my way as a result of finding my soul partner. I see it lumbering toward me...in the form of every one of his kids wanting to move in with us.

I wanted a soul mate, I was even happy to become a step mom...but neither of us anticipated that they would all want to live in our home, nor that their mom would be willing to let them go! They've found that the lifestyle she's giving them doesn't suit them the way our neighborhood and schools do...so eventually, they will all trickle in...and we'll have 4 full time kids living here.

Fortunately, my husband and I were able to put a 2 year stretch between move-ins to try to stabilize the environment for each one...it seems better this way...when I think with a clear head.

When the fear takes over, the tears that flow are similar to the woman's who finds out that, quite by accident, she's pregnant with yet another child and afraid of the strain it will place on her, her relationships with her current children, her marriage...wondering if she has the strength and courage to take on another round of motherhood and add it to the mix.

Where is the strength, the patience it will take to make this work? Will my partner and I still love each other when these young people all move out in 10 years or so? It doesn't seem like a long time when one looks at the broad stretch of life and how quickly 10 years can go by...but just imagine someone told you that you will be spending the next 10 years working a job (harder work and same pay) you didn't really sign up for, living with (use your imagination here) a really difficult set of room mates that never leave your space and continuously leave evidence of that, that the noise level in your sanctuary was going to become high volume and chaotic...10 years!! Does it seem so short a span when one looks at the daily experience of it???

"Sigh"

Sometimes, tears prevail, but sometimes...I'm wise enough to ask myself a question:

"How would I handle this if I wasn't afraid?"

Sometimes I get a great answer, dry my tears and walk another step...