Ahh, the sound of quiet. I am finally alone, except that Jimmy, my tom cat, just came in the house after standing on the porch and meowing, sounding like a baby crying. My daughter left with some friends for an overnight at a hotel, and boyfriend left with his grandparents to do some shopping. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to go, but I think most men don't understand a woman's need to be alone sometimes and savor the solitude.

I am glad this week is nearing the end. I hope that next week brings more promise and better feelings. I have been depressed most of this week.

I went to the doctor Tuesday morning for an exam and found out there is more drooping inside than I thought. I don't feel like I am old enough to deal with this craziness. And I am scared because my sister has been through some of this already, has severe organ prolapse, and had to have emergency surgery a few weeks ago to save her life.

I am very unhappy with what has been going on in the past month. I wanted to move forward with my life, get a job, purchase a car, have more of a life. Now everything gets put on hold, because I cannot change my situation. If I were to get a job, I would probably lose my Medicaid and be unable to pay for the surgery that most likely I am going to need. And the recovery from my options for surgery will require four to six weeks off of work, and then I would most likely lose my job.

The next stage for the prolapse to enter will interfere completely with everyday life. And it will enter the next stage. Gravity has a way of doing that with people getting older. Walking on my hands is simply not an option. I know that last statement sounds quite flippant, but lets face it. With age, everything migrates southward. And I don't mean retirees living in Florida.

There is a silver lining to my black cloud. R and I decided to get back together about a month ago and he moved in with my daughter and I. He is completely committed to her and I, and is aware of my health issues. I have no doubt that he is capable of holding down the fort when I won't be able to, and he is completely supportive of whatever has to happen.

When R and I did get back together, nothing had yet happened with my sister or I. But things have obviously changed, and quite a bit. And R is still here, willing to go with me down the bumpy road that lies ahead. I am thankful for that.

I am trying to see the positives that will come with putting my life on hold until I am completely able to function in everyday life again. I guess that is the root of my depression at this point. I try to be upbeat when my daughter is around, because she doesn't understand or know all that is happening with me.

My son is totally in the dark about all of this. I call and leave messages for him, but he doesn't return my calls. Occasionally I reach him but he makes it obvious that he wants nothing to do with me if I am going to be his mother.

I am thankful for the peace and solitude in my house right now. I can even go to the bathroom without getting interrupted...lol. And sit in sweet silence with my thoughts.