 Awards and honors
Steven Wright was awarded an Oscar in 1989 for Best Short Live-Action
Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, in which he co-wrote
(with Michael Armstrong) and starred. On December 15, 2008, Wright became the first inductee to the Boston
Comedy Hall of Fame. In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, he was voted
amongst the top 50 comedy acts by fellow comedians and comedy insiders.
He was named #23 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics
His mind sees things differently than most of us
do. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow
money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the
people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of
lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of
all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A
conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you
want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All
those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The
early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I
almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so
what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do
you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If
everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 -
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard
work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I
intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My
mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
24 - Why do
psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at
first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 -
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The
hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with
the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The
colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 -
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your
car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
|
Profile
Photos
Comments
