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https://www.danjoseph.com/resolving.htm

(see below for bio on Dan)

Resolving the Conflict

As I mentioned in a recent article, there are many "schools" of psychotherapy – each with its own beliefs and approaches. I often find myself amazed at how different each one is from the others.

However, there are some ideas that appear to cross the entire psychological landscape. In this article, I'd like to explore one of these central concepts.

This idea has been referred to as "the self-ideal discrepancy," "the tyranny of the shoulds," and the trap of "conditional acceptance." It also has a parallel in spiritual teachings such as A Course in Miracles. I condsider it to be an important (and rarely-discussed) concept.

Here is the idea:

Much of our emotional distress comes from the gap between:

who we think we are and
who we think we should be.

If you listen closely to the conversations of the world, you'll find many people describing this dynamic. Virtually everyone believes that they should be more attractive, more accomplished, smarter, stronger, wealthier, or any number of other things.

In addition, some people flip this around and believe that the other people in their lives (spouses, family members, employees) should also be more attractive, smarter, stronger, and so forth. It's basically the same dynamic, extended to others.

Now, on the surface, wanting to "a better person" may look like an honest quest for self-improvement. ("What's wrong with wanting to be more successful? Or more attractive?") However, there's usually something insidious going on here.

If you look closely, you'll see that this dynamic tends to be infused with an attitude of rejection. The idea that's woven through the whole process is: I'm not good enough as I am right now. I have to change in some way to be truly acceptable.

That's the real problem: that subtle self-rejection. It's an extremely energy-sapping dynamic. And of course, the finish line is like a mirage that recedes as you approach it. You never get to the end – at least, not until you shift the whole dynamic.

What to Do?

In my experience, this process operates outside of conscious awareness most of the time. Few people realize what's going on. Instead, they're just vaguely aware of being "less than" in some way, "falling short" of some goal, or otherwise being "deficient" for some reason. This is an incredibly common experience – in fact, you could say that it's a hallmark of the human condition.

Most people suffer through this sense of "falling short" until they decide to make a change. This change usually involves one of two approaches:

1. they attempt to "improve" themselves in order to match their ideals, or
2. they give up on their ideals with a sense of failure and resignation.

Both of these approaches are flawed. I'll speak personally about the first option.

Those of us who try to reduce our distress through self-improvement often become intensely driven overachievers. We work excessively. Or we diet and exercise excessively. Or we bang through one achievement after another. We try desperately to bring ourselves into line with that self-ideal. The problem is that our ideals tend to automatically rise (or shift), and we stay on the treadmill until we collapse in stress, exhaustion, or anxiety.

The other approach – giving up on our ideals – is often considered the more "realistic" approach. However, it's an activity that's tinged with depression. It can feel hopeless to say, "So that's it. I'll never achieve what I wanted." Many people grow increasingly cynical in their lives as they give up on one ideal after another. Disillusionment, resignation, and depression may grow with every abandoned goal.

So neither of these approaches is very satisfying. The first can lead to stress and anxiety; the second can lead to cynicism and depression. Neither approach truly ends the dynamic. So what is the alternative?

Let me share two of the best answers that I've come across – one from the world of psychotherapy, and the other from the world of spirituality.

The Psychology Approach

Speaking broadly, the world of psychology says: Hey, there's nothing wrong with striving for your ideals and goals. Go for it. Have fun. But while you're moving toward those goals, make sure you do things from a place of self-acceptance. Accept yourself first – beginning right now. Don't wait until you've reached some future goal.

That may sound like a subtle distinction, but it's actually enormous. There is a vast difference between someone who self-acceptingly works toward a goal, and someone who strives for that goal out of a sense of inferiority. Paradoxically, the person who operates from self-acceptance will probably move more efficiently toward the goal. After all, that person isn't weighed down by the emotional baggage of self-rejection.

Now, often when I share this idea with people, they say: "Sure, that sounds great – but easier said than done. I'd love to live from a place of self-acceptance. But it sure isn't easy."

I usually say, "You're right – it's not easy. In fact, we're bombarded by messages every day that try to tell us how much – and in how many ways – we're lacking. But here's the saving grace: We can help each other to strengthen this idea. We can share unconditional acceptance with each other. That's the crack in the wall."

Two people practicing unconditional acceptance are a powerful force. They create a place of peace in an otherwise frantic world. They begin to offer the world an alternative way to think. Two people committed to the practice of acceptance form what A Course in Miracles calls a "holy relationship" – one of the most powerful tools for change.

Of course, the practice of acceptance takes work. Here is where the world of psychotherapy offers some helpful strategies. We can practice replacing old critical messages with new positive ones. We can remind ourselves that our worth isn't dependent on our work, our appearance, or our achievements. We can practice releasing other people from the ideals we hold over them.

Ultimately, we can say, "I'm going to practice unconditional self-acceptance – and unconditional acceptance of others – regardless of my ideals. I'll still strive to grow, change, and reach my goals – but I'll do it in a spirit of self-acceptance and peace."


The Spiritual Approach

I value the psychotherapeutic approach that I described above. I draw on practices like the ones I mentioned every day.

However, there is a spiritual approach that transcends even the wonderful insights from the world of psychology. This approach can sometimes be too much of a leap for the mind to accept. That's why I find psychotherapy to be a helpful "bridge." However, at times we may indeed be able to leap right to the spiritual.

Here is the idea, which is found in A Course in Miracles and many other spiritual teachings:

We are completely confused about who we are. Our true, spiritual selves are so filled with beauty, glory, wisdom, and love that they are like the sun peeking out from behind a cloud. Even a hint of the spirit's beauty will make all our human ideals look meaningless. A glimpse of our spiritual beauty dissolves the whole world of conflict.

We try to become more attractive, not realizing that Beauty itself resides within us. We try to become more powerful, unaware that the Source of all power goes with us. Our spiritual selves contain what we are seeking. As we catch a glimpse of these selves – in both ourselves and others – we realize that our reality already exceeds our ideals.

Again, this is often a big leap for the mind to accept. But as with the self-accepting psychotherapy message, we can help each other move gradually in the right direction. We can seek the beauty of our spiritual selves – in ourselves and in others.

As we find the rays of light peeking out from behind the clouds of our old views, we will be deeply touched by what we see. Our sense of deficiency, of inferiority, and of being "less than" will be replaced by a deep experience of appreciation. The whole conflict will dissolve. This is the gift of connecting with the spirit.

https://www.danjoseph.com/newsletter.htm

About Dan

For the past ten years, Dan Joseph has been writing about the connection between spirituality and psychology. In his work, he frequently draws on themes from A Course in Miracles, a program of "spiritual psychotherapy."

Dan's writing has appeared in Unity magazine, Science of Mind magazine, and other publications. He is the author of two books: Inspired by Miracles and Inner Healing. Dan's writing has received warm reviews from Dr. Caroline Myss, Hugh Prather, Alan Cohen, and the Midwest Book Review. (full reviews)

Dan is currently working toward a master's degree in counseling psychology. One of his primary areas of interest is the integration of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and spiritual approaches. He is also exploring the unique psychosocial challenges of sensitive and gifted individuals. Dan is a graduate of Brown University.

In addition to his writing work, Dan serves as Managing Editor of spirituality website SpiritSite.com. SpiritSite.com is a leading spirituality library and resource site, featuring numerous book excerpts and one of the largest online spiritual retreat center directories. Dan also serves as the Editor of Colorado-oriented VisitingBoulder.com.

For the past several years, Dan has run a human resources consulting company. He has worked with many people on career development issues, and is currently exploring spiritually-friendly approaches to career counseling.

Dan enjoys hiking and rock climbing in Boulder, Colorado, where he lives.
https://www.quietmind.info/about.htm