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Maxine, Up Close AndToo
Personal.
Name:
What's it to you,
pal?
Age:
Twenty-one, plus a few extra years you don't need to
know about.
Birthday:
Last person who guessed won a fat
lip.
Current Home:
Mobile.
Occupation:
Retired, but I do a lot of volunteer griping.
Favorite Hobby:
Collecting coins. Usually from mall fountains.
Favorite
Childhood Memory:
Learning to ride a two-wheeler...throughout the
neighbor's flower bed.
Personal Heros:
I have three.
Me, Myself, and I.
Three Words That Best Describe You:
Leave. Me.
Alone.
A Day In The Strife.
A Page From Maxine's Daily
Planner.
8 a.m.
Rise and whine. Greet the world with a brisk "Yeah,
whatever."
8:15 a.m.
First coffee of the day. First pot of
coffee, that is.
8:30 a.m.
Need more coffee. I can still
separate individual heartbeats.
9 a.m.
Three- course
breakfast. Coffee, cream, and sugar.
9:30 a.m.
Make daily
list of people I want to offend, annoy, or insult before
lunch.
10 a.m.
Visit garage sales to look for
antiques. But enough about my neighbors.
11 a.m.
Organize chores into three categories:
1. Things I won't do
now.
2. Things I won't do later.
3. Things I will never
do.
NOON Lunch.
Go to the "all you can eat" and "all
you can regret it later" buffet.
1:30 p.m.
Bug the guy in front of
me in the eight-item express lane who has ten items, because he's keeping me
from going through with my two loaded carts
2
p.m.
Spring cleaning. (In other words, let the dog dust the
furniture with his tail.)
3 p.m.
Cancel hair
appointment; decide that because perms are so expensive, I'll just tie a sleepy
blue poodle to my head and get the same effect.
4 p.m.
Plant more crabgrass. (Hey, I love the
name!)
5 p.m.
Wrap garage sale junk to
give as a wedding gift.
6 p.m. Dinner.
Go to drive-thru. Order an unhappy
meal.
7 p.m.
Wedding. Take extra
rice. (I love to pelt hard food at happy people.)
8 p.m.
Watch a little TV. They repossessed my big
TV.
9 p.m.
Hit the hay. (Yep. The
waterballoon just missed the farmer.)
10 p.m.
Read a few chapters of HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND OFFEND
PEOPLE.
11 p.m.
Off to la-la land. (And
no, I don't mean the relatives' house.)
Maxine
Quotes
Prepare for the new world order. The order
is "Quit your whining!"
All I want is a little understanding. Like,
when I say "Get lost, pal!" I really want you to understand that.
Having
a bad day? Well, better you than me.
If you cant beat 'em, well
then you're just not trying hard enough, slacker.
Ever notice how people
who tell you to calm down are the ones that got you mad in the first
place?
Happiness is where you find it. Perhaps you should look
someplace else.
Start each day off on the right foot, unless you kick
better with your left.
I make it a policy to never take work home with
me...unless office supplies count.
If not for stress, I'd have no energy
at all.
Women don't need the remote control...we have the actual
control.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish, and the old buzzard won't be hanging around, underfoot, all
weekend.
I'd eat more fruits and vegetables if they tasted more like
microwaved burritos.
Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking,
tackling, running..... but enough about fall sales at the mall.
As far as
I am concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.
Life is like an
oven. It burns my buns.
In a hundred years this won't matter.
It barely matters now.
https://www.moremailfrommary.com/max.html