*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
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ANDY ROONEY TAKES ON ...
(1) Grandmas:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
(2) Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
(3) Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
(4) Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting 'I don't know.'
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
(5) Vegetarians:
Vegetarian - I think that's an old Native American word meaning 'lousy hunter.'
(6) Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love.' ....Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the free clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

~Contributed by Denys Cope