Wouldn't
it be great if that happened more
often?

Because
they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there
would be a
45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're
both 90
years old, ' the husband said ...'We may not
have 45
minutes.' They were seated immediately. 

The
reason Politicians  try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to
make a
living under the laws they've
passed.  

All
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and
the
waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
placed
something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest
smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in
marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card. 

Women
and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should
relax and get used to the
idea. 

Three
friends from the local congregation were asked,
'When
you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you
like them
to say?' 

Artie
said: ' I would like them to say I was a
wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man.' 

Eugene
 commented: 'I would like them to say I was
a wonderful teacher and servant of
God who made a huge difference in
people's
lives.' 

Al
said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's
moving!' 

Smith
climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get
close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he
asks
the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean
to
you?' 

The
Lord replies, 'A
minute.' 

Smith
asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to
you?'

The
Lord replies, 'A
penny.' 

'Smith
asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 

'The
Lord replies, 'In a minute.' 

A
man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife
is
unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with
anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do
you
think I should do?' 

'Relax,'

says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm
down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
bar?' 

John
was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give
me
one last request, dear,'he
said. 

'Of
course, John,' his wife said
softly. 

'Six
months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to
marry
Bob.' 

'But
I thought you hated Bob,' she
said. 

With
his last breath John said, 'I do!' 

A
man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something
terrible is
happening and I have
to talk to you about it.'

The
Rabbi asked, 'What's
wrong?' 

The
man replied, 'My wife is poisoning
me.' 

The
Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can
that
be?' 

The
man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's
poisoning me, what
should I do?' 

The
Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk
to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
know.' 

A
week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I
spoke
to her
on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?' 

The
man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the
poison'!