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Entertainment > Humor > The Good Husband’s Guide
 

The Good Husband’s Guide

THE GOOD HUSBAND’S GUIDE

The Good Husband’s Guide
• Have dinner ready. It’s 2009, we know you can cook. Watch Emeril. You should plan ahead, to have a tasty but calorie-appropriate meal ready, on time for her return home. This is a way of letting her know that, not only do you treasure her, but that you aren’t just a worthless, lazy, video-game playing pig.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to chill out so you’ll be energized when she arrives. Touch up your deodorant, wash your face and shave, and for god’s sake run a comb through your hair. She’s just spent all day with a bunch of pot-bellied chumps and wilting hags. The least you could do is not remind her of them with your stained t-shirt and dirty socks.
• Clean up after yourself. Go through the house, pick up dirty diapers, your nasty socks and empty beer bottles, and show her that you’re capable of not littering her house with your man-debris.
• Gather up toys (yours AND the kids’), schoolbooks, scrap-paper, etc. Feed the dog, and spray some Febreeze.
• During the cold months of the year, you should turn on the heater and warm up the house for her. Stop complaining that she’s “always cold” or that “the heater gives you allergies.” And if you get too hot, you can always go outside.
• Get the kids ready. Make them wash their sticky little hands and brush their hair. If you screwed up and let them play in the dirt, change their clothes. Remember that all you did to make them was have an orgasm—she had to be pregnant, take time off of work, push the bastards out and suckle them. You’re incredibly lucky to have such a wonderfully amazing wife who was strong enough to do that. Don’t make her regret it.
• Make it quiet. Turn off your cell phone and your X-box. Tell the kids to shush. Her head is probably killing her from listening to idiots all day—she shouldn’t have to do it at home, too.
• At least pretend that you’re happy to have her home.
• Greet her with a smile and a compliment. Notice her new shoes or hairstyle. Maybe have some flowers ready, in case you’ve done something stupid to piss her off.
• Listen to her. Yeah, we know it’s hard for you. You might have a million things you want to say, or maybe you don’t feel like hearing her conversation. Too bad. Let her talk- remember, her conversation is more intelligent and probably more accurate than yours.
• Make the evening hers. Don’t complain if she comes home late or goes out with her girlfriends or other events without you. Instead, understand her fast-paced world of stress and strain, and her need to come home and relax.
• Your goal: make your home a world of quiet, tranquil cleanliness, where your wife can replenish her energy without worrying that the whole world is her responsibility.
• Don’t even try to greet her with your petty complaints or problems. They’re nothing compared to hers.
• Don’t bitch if she’s home late for dinner, or even if she stays out all night. Count this as a blessing—now you have more time to fix everything up, since you probably procrastinated.
• Make her comfortable. Have her lie down on the couch or in the bedroom, and bring the girl a cocktail.
• Arrange her pillow and offer to give her a good, long massage. Try not to talk too much.
• Don’t ask her questions about her actions, judgment or integrity. Remember, she is the mistress of the house and if she wants to keep you in the dark, she has valid reasons for doing so. You have no right to question her, especially after some of the crap you’ve pulled.
• A good husband always knows his place.
So, now maybe you’re laughing. Or maybe you’re offended. You should be—the Good Husband’s Guide is equally as offensive and unfair as its counterpart from fifty years ago. Yet the language and attitude of it is considered “empowered” and acceptable for the modern woman to implement.
What the hell happened to equal rights? Don’t get me wrong—statistics still show that men dominate the career world and the government—but seriously. Feminism began as this glorious and beautiful fight against oppression. It began as a fight for choice, for freedom, for empowerment and equality and rights. Over the decades it has strayed from this noble vision and become more of a quest for vengeance and role-reversal than a quest for balance.
https://girlsarestrange.com/themusereborn/blog/?p=4

Also published at: https://xpress.sfsu.edu/archives/magazine/009268.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you’ve decided to get married. Every animal instinct in your male mammal body is telling you to spread your seed to any and all females that fall into your sphere of influence. You have risen above your animal instincts and have decided to get married and take a pledge before God that your seed was reserved for that one special woman for as long as you both shall live. Congratulations, here are a few tips to help you in your journey through wedded bliss:

Good Husband Tip #1: Always call before you arrive home each day. This gives your wife a chance to get the boyfriend(s)out of the house, hide the overpriced things that she bought and maybe, just maybe, get the house straightened up a little before you get home.

Good Husband Tip #2: When your wife is telling you about her day, look interested. Unlike men who would prefer to come home and have some quiet time to reflect on their day, women want to talk about their day. Not only that, but they want to feel that you are genuinely interested in what they did that day. So if you can fake that then it will make the rest of your evening much more pleasant.

Good Husband Tip #3: Never try and invoke Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." This may have worked back in the 19th century but for today’s modern husbands, reading this passage from the bible to your wife to try and get your way is as fruitless as threatening to withhold sex. Although threatening to withhold sex can sometimes bring on a fit of cruel laughter from your wife which makes it all the more frustrating for the good husband.

Good Husband Tip #4: Speaking of sex, promising not to ask for sex does not count as a gift.
Husband: “Honey, this year for your birthday gift, I am not going to ask for sex for an entire week.”
Wife: “I already decided we were not going to have sex this week and that does NOT count as a present!!!”
Husband: “Yes it does because now you don’t have to feel bad about telling me ‘no’ when I ask for sex for an entire week. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!”
Wife: “No it doesn’t count because I never really feel bad about telling you ‘no’ to sex.”
Husband: “Yes, Dear.”
https://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/66.htm

at: www.pophistorydig.com/?tag=jackie-gleason-1950s



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posted on Dec 4, 2009 10:24 AM ()

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