21 Ways to Comfort a Friend in Crisis | Goodlife ZEN

Life is so rich in offering us a vast array of situations and
circumstances, some more challenging than others.  When you are in the
position to comfort a friend in crisis, you have been given a wonderful
opportunity to express your love and caring.For some of us, supporting people going through a difficult time can
be confusing or awkward, no matter how much we want to be present for
them.  Below are some suggestions that might be helpful.  Not all of
these will apply to every situation, so use them only if they feel
appropriate.

1. Make contact.  When you find out that someone you
   know is going through a crisis and you want to support them, make
   contact.  Call, email, offer to visit.  People in crisis often feel
   alone and alienated and appreciate when others reach out to them.


2. Listen to the story.  At the beginning stages of a crisis, everyone needs to tell their story in their own time. 
   Telling the story is one of the cornerstones of psychological treatment
   for trauma.  The job of the friend is to listen.  Communicate concern
   and understanding by repeating the sequence of events and asking for
   clarification when you need it.  You might say any of the following: 
   “Would you like to tell me what happened?”  “You must be so angry!” 
   “I’m so sorry to hear this.” “How are you feeling?”


3. Be there emotionally.  Think of yourself as a
   vessel filled with love and support that you are offering out. 
   Recognize any feelings that you might have about the situation and try
   to not have them interfere with your ability to show up for your
   friend.  Keep your personal stories to yourself, along with any
   judgments or criticisms you might have.


4. You probably don’t know how your friend feels. 
   Be careful about saying, “I know how you feel.”  When people are
   reeling from their own feelings, they think that you can’t possibly
   understand their experience unless you have actually been there.


5. Don’t push.  People in crisis can feel completely
   out of control and can benefit from making choices.  Rather than
   insisting on a course of action, offer your friend some options to
   select from.  Even simple ones matter, as in, “Would you like to go now
   or later?”


6. Help make decisions.  On the other hand, you might
   notice that your friend is easily confused and has difficulty making
   even small decisions.  In this case, you might consider stepping in by
   preparing a plate of food and offering it or saying, “I think we
   should….now.  Let’s do it together.”


7. Offer practical help.  Suggest tasks you might
   take on such as making calls or doing errands.  Be observant to see
   what is needed, and ask if you can assist.  Especially focus on what
   children involved may require.


8. Bring food.  Eating is one of the first things to
   go in a crisis (along with sleep).  Have nourishing food available so
   that your friend is more likely to continue eating regular meals.


9. Know that emotion comes in waves.   There are
   no rules about how people should react to crises.  Your friend may feel
   numb, intensely emotional, or anywhere in between.  All reactions are
   valid and understandable, even laughter.  Emotions often appear in
   waves – they come and go.  Be there as a support no matter what your
   friend is feeling.


10. Let your friend cry.  Recognize if you are
    uncomfortable with the level of your friend’s emotions.  Take a breath,
    and fill your vessel with love and support.  Try to be with the
    emotions without stifling them.  Your friend will eventually stop crying.


11. Be a buddy.  I once read a book on breakups that
    suggested recruiting a “breakup buddy,” a friend who could be called on
    night and day in those difficult first days.  Offer to be a support
    buddy to your friend, someone who he can call any time.


12. Be aware of your triggers.  A crisis is an
    emotional and stressful time for everyone, making it more likely that
    people will push each other’s buttons.  If you feel irritated, take a
    breath and try not to react.  Don’t add fuel to the fire if you can
    help it.


13. Get professional help on board.  If your friend is
    suicidal or highly irrational, don’t hesitate to suggest professional
    help.  Every community has a suicide hotline, and 911 is always
    available.


14. Rally support.  If you know other people who might like to support your friend, contact them to let them know what happened.


15. You will get through this.  A person in crisis may
    not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the event
    first happens.  Hold your friend’s hand, look her in the eye, and say,
    “You will get through this,” or, “This too shall pass.”  She may not
    believe you at the time, but it will be helpful to hear.


16. Be patient.  Your friend may need to tell the
    story many times or may still be emotional weeks after you would have
    begun to move on.  Respect that everyone’s process is unique.  However,
    if, after giving it plenty of time, you think your friend is stuck in
    the trauma, you might gently ask, “How do you see yourself getting
    through this?”


17. Encourage basic functioning.  In the first few
    days of a crisis, even the most minimal functioning may seem
    impossible.  Be very gentle in encouraging your friend to take a
    shower, get dressed, eat regular meals, and take a short walk.  If you
    know of self-care activities your friend enjoys, such as yoga or going
    to the gym, suggest these as well, being careful not to sound pushy.


18. Know that nighttime is often the hardest time for people in crisis.  Call in the evening to check in.  Communicate empathy regarding how difficult a time it is.


19. Don’t support drinking too much or other reckless behavior. 
    Some people may want a few drinks, or more, when going through a
    difficult time.  Your friend will need to find his own way.  You can be
    the voice of wisdom by suggesting moderation.


20. Take care of yourself. People can easily become
    depleted while supporting someone through a crisis.  Pay some attention
    to your own needs so you can be replenished.  Take breaks, breathe, and
    get support for yourself.


21. Check in over time.  Often, at the beginning of a
    crisis, many people are available to help and support.  Over time,
    people tend to forget and return to the rhythm of their lives.  Keep
    your friend in the forefront of your mind, and check in in the weeks or
    months ahead.