Minds are like parachutes — they function only when open.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating by always using condiments.
Gasoline with carrot juice gives you beta mileage.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A doctor who fell on his funny bone said it was a humerus incident.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A fruit basket from your psychiatrist will probably be shrink-wrapped.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A long knife that cuts 4 loaves of bread at a time is called a four loaf cleaver.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A zoo named a camel with no humps: 'Humphrey'.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Shoe stores believe there's dignity in de feet.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
A peanut walking in a tough neighborhood was a-salted.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
Top 12 indicators that the economy is bad.
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my favorite indicator:
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
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