What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A crazy bitch who will find you.

She's God's Problem Now.
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
OVERHEARD… A toast given by a Hindu gentleman at a wedding: “A man without a wife is incomplete. And once he has a wife, he’s finished!”
GENEALOGY
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

GOD CREATES MAN AND WOMAN
God and Adam were walking through the Garden of Eden, discussing various things. At one point, Adam says, "Wow, God, you sure made Eve awfully beautiful, just amazingly beautiful!" Spoke the Lord: "Yes, my son, that is so you would love her very, very deeply." After a brief moment, Adam hesitatingly commented, "But Lord, you made Eve not too smart." "Ah, yes," said God, "that is so she would love you very, very deeply."
GOD TELLS ADAM TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY
A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is a ‘caress’?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in five seconds and asked, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
* * * * *
MEDITATION
Two men meet on the street: “How are you?” one asks. The other replies: “I’m fine, thanks.” “And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?” “Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.” “Meditating? What’s that?” “I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around doing nothing!”
A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER
Our Father, who shall be termed party of the first part, whose place of business is in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, 2009, our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, i.e. sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc., but deliver us from evil, the nature of which shall be determined by the court. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever.
Amen.