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George CarlinÂ
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.Â
George CarlinÂ
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.Â
George CarlinÂ
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.Â
George CarlinÂ
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.Â
George CarlinÂ
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.Â
George CarlinÂ
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.Â
George CarlinÂ
Electricity is really just organized lightning.Â
George CarlinÂ
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.Â
George CarlinÂ
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.Â
George CarlinÂ
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?Â
George CarlinÂ
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?Â
George CarlinÂ
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.Â
George CarlinÂ
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.Â
George CarlinÂ
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.Â
George CarlinÂ
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.Â
George CarlinÂ
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.Â
George CarlinÂ
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Â
George CarlinÂ
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.Â
George CarlinÂ
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