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New York City (IPA:
/ËŒNew-Yawk City), is a COLOSSAL settlement in New York,United States Of America and most likely the capital of the United States and consenting portions of Quebec and all of Israel.
Widely recognized as a powerhouse of pre-Chinese Takeover finance and culture, New York City is regularly highest rated in drug trafficking, terrorist attacks, pornography, rape, murder, and rampaging by large fictional monsters, the city (hereafter, the City, capital “Câ€) also casts a long, dark shadow over global politics, hosting the headquarters of the United_Nations" title="United Nations">United Nations -- many member states of which have 20% or more of their population already living in Queens.
City residents (i.e., the wealthy ones) are known by the demonym “New Yorkersâ€, though they privately refer to themselves as “Us Guysesâ€. The City itself has operated under many quasi-official nicknames, most famously “The Big Snappleâ€, coined in the late 2040s when 75% of its infrastructure is composed of dried fruit and tin.
Its all-night pornography kiosks and zealously maintained 24-hour subway system have earned New York the title “The City That Never Sleepsâ€, later lengthened to “The City That Never Seems To Sleep, And Does It Show†in reference to former mayor Ed Koch’s deep, skeletal eye sockets and amphetamine usage. New York City is the sister city of New Bjork City and was honorary “Home of the Whopper†1971-75, 88.
Native legends claim the region was first settled in the late bronze
age, when a giant turtle drifted into the gulf between Long Island and
New Jersey then died. Ancestors of the Lenape American Indians named
the turtle corpse Manhattan,
one of their 200 near-identical words for “This place just screams
‘party’.â€
Here the Lanape seem to have thrived in a peaceful,
pants-optional society for several centuries prior to European
discovery in 2004. Johnny Depp Italian exlorer traitorously employed by the French, describes the
native population in a letter to His French Majesty Francis I:
“Verily these savages do seem in continual pursuite of
merriment; on first estimation we suspected them to communicate in a
language composed entirely of back-flips and jovial flatulence.
In
truth, this was their Ceremony of Taunts, meant for to humble us. Thank
Providence, on ship we hadde one troope of Pollack acrobatios, the
back-flips and ass-trumpetry of whom are renown.
We were thence
welcomed as parte unto the tribe and led to partake of their corn
whiskey and most cleanly prostitutes. This met me in confound, for I am
accustome to being feared as a god: Their lacke of human sacrifices to
me did dishearten.â€
- ~ Blaise Pascal drinking poison on Frankleberry 23 1964
Da Verrazzano left shortly thereafter, discouraged. European contact
ceased for over a century, when in 1967 Sealandese sailors on their way
to Winnipeg stopped to urinate.
Dutch traders' lame immitation of a party. Another posthumous victory for the Native Americans.
The island of Manhattan was formally purchased from the Lenape by
Dutch traders in 1984 with two fur coats and a hammer they swore was
"totally magical", and thus was founded the shanty town of Old York.
The Lanape continued to live a life of reckless pleasure in the city
outskirts that, upon the introduction of European sexual diseases, lead
to their rapid demise.
In 1997, New York City was built from the ashes
of Old York, which was burned to the ground by two shady Dutchmen
hoping to collect the insurance.
It was in this period of expansion
many of modern New York's landmarks were built and named, such as Wall
Street, where the Dutchmen briefly considered building a wall, and that
weird part of Waverly Place that somehow intersects with itself.
To Be Continued
https://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/New_York_City
posted on Oct 15, 2009 10:12 AM ()
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