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This from my "Can you believe it" cache...
O Giveth Unto Me a Break!: Conservatives Rewriting the Bible!
Conservatives want to re-write the Bible to take out
There
are some things that happen that so cry out for parody that a buzzer
goes off in the head of every humor writer on the planet.
Such a thing is the Conservative Bible Project. A bunch of righties headed by Andrew Schlafly (the son of Phyllis Schlafly) are rewriting the Bible because according to them, liberal bias has contaminated all the modern translations.
As
soon as I heard, I immediately began writing the conservative version
of the Sermon on the Mount. But then I got sidetracked by something, I
don’t know, life, I think, and by the time I got back to my Bible
shtick, I noticed that Salon.com had already posted its parody. I
wasn’t surprised. I figure there are a lot more coming, too.
This project is just so perfect, so hare-brained, so asking for it.
Salon’s parody wasn’t bad. Not as good as mine, of course. OK, really not so hot at all, if you must know the truth.
But
it damped down my ambition and I stopped where I was. I could’ve done
the entire New Testament conservative style, but this is a parody that
almost writes itself. Anyone can do this stuff. Go ahead, toss in a few
passages of your own. Either testament. Lots of Bible left…
Jesus goes up upon the mount and a crowd gathers and he says:
Blessed
are the poor, as long as they work hard at their lowly paid toil and
stay in their place. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven, so they need
no government assistance of any kind. What does it profit a man if he
gains a public option only to loseth his soul?
Blessed
are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. But then the strong
shall take it away from them, because the meek did not deserve it for
they were woeful losers which did fail to establish a strong military.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness. Damned are they which do hunger and thirst after leftishness.
Blessed
are the peacemakers, though not the ones from the UN, only they which
insist upon just terms, meaning terms favorable to our side.
You
have heard that it has been said by them of old time, an eye for an eye
and a tooth for a tooth. But I say unto you that whomsoever shall smite
you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also, but then, having
faked him out by this means, kick him mightily unto his groin.
And
if any man will sue you at the law, and take away your coat, give him
your cloak also. Flingeth it over his head so that he may see naught
and smite him then with a large stone and take back from him your coat
and your cloak, which are your rightful property, as well as his purse,
for that he no longer needeth.
And whomsoever shall compel you to go a mile, go with him two, and charge him accordingly, asking also for a gratuity.
Give
to him that asks you. And to him that would borrow of you turn you not
away, for the interest rates are good and thy lending shall help the
economy.
You have heard that it has been said you shall love
your neighbor, and hate your enemy. But I say unto you, love your
enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and
pray for those who despitefully use you, and persecute you. Then
droppeth upon them a cruise missile.
Lay not up for yourselves
treasure upon earth, where moth and rust corrupt, and where thieves
break through and steal. But lay up your treasures in solid, blue-chip
investments, where moth and rust and thieves may not get at them and
where interest shall accrue regularly.
More, as well as less, of Lewis Grossberger's writing can be found at True/Slant.
https://www.newser.com/off-the-grid/post/297/o-giveth-thou-unto-me-a-break-conservatives-are-rewriting-the-bible.html