Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patricks Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool & steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Dam' he says & pulls him self up by the stool & dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, " Dam", he says, "Dam!".
He looks to the doorway thinks to himself that if can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside & takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better & takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
" I'm a little crocked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, & crawls to then door, hauls himself up to the door frame, opens the door & shimmies inside. He takes a look at the stairs and says "No damn' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door & says ' I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the bedroom & falls flat on his face. He says"Damm it" & falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee & says, "Get up Paddy, Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, " I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
"Mick phoned...........You left your wheelchair at the pub."



Deaf Wife
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wi fe and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'




'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'