When you hear the word “Cheater”, what is the first thing that comes to mind? No, I’m not talking about you cheating on the ten-point pop quiz that you took 17 years ago in Mrs. Jones’ math class. I’m talking about cheating while in a dating relationship.

Maybe it brings to mind your last relationship which resulted in you being cheated on. Most of us have been there at one time or another; unfortunately, if you have not, the chances are high that you will experience it soon enough. I don’t want to concentrate on reliving the experience again, but on the steps to get you past the hurt and and moving forward in your life.

Before we plunge into this topic, you need to ask yourself if you are WILLING to end the relationship and move on. Until you are ready to move on, you are going to hold onto your pain and wallow in your victim-hood until you drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

If you are serious about moving on with your life, then the first thing you have to do is end all contact with the cheater. This means no phone contact, letters, emails, chatting, etc. You must delete him/her from your “myspace” and “facebook”…. (then do not go back and check it. By doing this you are only hurting yourself!). Take all gifts, notes, toothbrush, clothing, and any other reminders of the cheater, and place them in a box. Put the box in a seldom-used closet or some place where they can’t be seen or retrieved easily. Do not return the items to him/her. I agree it is a difficult task to do, however it’s the best way to put the past in the past and to leave it there. A small percentage of cheaters change his/her ways, no matter how apologetic he/she becomes. (Read my previous blog on “apologies”) The only way to know for sure, is by their actions and respecting your decisions over a certain period of time. You did nothing to cause this person to cheat on you and you should not take on any blame for what has happened. They are the ones that need to do some major ass-kissing if they want you back. Set some expectations for yourself. For example, tell yourself you will not speak to him/her for a month. This gives them some time to make some changes within themself if they are serious about earning you back. Realistically, they won’t make much progress and will quickly move onto their next victim. That’s good because you don’t need them anyway. This is also a good time for you to get your life back by focusing on who is more important here, and that’s YOU.

Some are quick to run into another relationship immediately after the breakup. This is the quickest way to get over the other person; unfortunately, those who do this are only using the other person for all the wrong reasons. You are also throwing away your self worth. I suggest you refrain from using this approach. You need time for you and only you. You need the time to heal.

Now, lets discuss some positive ways of mending your heart and forgetting about the dirt bag.

First, start by forgiving yourself. The person who had no say in the breakup is the one who has feelings of guilt that they had some contribution to the problem. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent he/she from cheating. Second, work on forgiving your cheating partner. I know this is the last thing on your mind. The cheater usually has no regrets of their actions. They may act as though they are sorry and say all the things you want to hear. Be very careful when he/she does this. (Winning you back may just be a part of building up their own ego and have nothing to do with their true feelings for you.) since they are only feeling lonely and will do whatever they can to get you back. This does not mean that you are forgetting what he/she did, but rather think of it as they are the ones who are losing out on knowing you and being with you. Forgive them for being the kind of person that hurts others. They don’t have the slightest bit of common sense and knowledge of having a healthy relationship. Maybe you can write a letter to the cheater. Act as though you are going to actually send it to him/her, but don’t. This helps to get your frustration and anger out in a healthy way, opposed to doing something you will regret later.

The next step is to rebuild your self-esteem. Keep this quote in mind. “I am a very special, unique, and valuable person. I deserve to feel good about myself” (https://www.athealth.com). Eating healthy and excercising is the best way to accomplish this. You will start to feel good about yourself by setting goals and working towards them. Do things that you enjoy doing. Sometimes when we are in a relationship, we loose our focus on things that we enjoyed doing. This is a great opportunity to get back into those interests again. Finish those projects that you have been putting off. Learn something new that you have had an interest in, maybe a musical instrument. Take some night classes or get involved in some volunteer work in your community. This is a great way to meet new people and build new friendships. Spending time with friends is also a great way to brighten your day (just don’t talk about your ex)! Also, don’t forget to reward yourself. You deserve to have fun by treating yourself out to a movie, dinner, or even a road trip. Remember you deserve to be happy, so do what makes you feel good!

The fourth step is allow yourself to be alone. Although it is good to be around others, you need to have time for yourself. It’s okay to cry and be sad once in a while. This gives you time to think about setting some goals. I also suggest that you take a blank piece of paper and write down some good qualities that you look for in a partner. And also write the bad qualities that you should avoid in a partner. This will be a list of your standards that you can refer back to it. Don’t lower your standards for anyone, and don’t worry about them being too high. Its better to have high standards than low ones. Now that you have this list, you need to read it often and remember them when you’re ready to get back into dating.

Remember that everyone handles breakups differently. Some are able to move on faster than others. But don’t get discouraged if you need extra time. I suggest that you give yourself a minimum of 3 months before you start dating again. Some may need as long as a year. As a rule, the longer your relationship lasted, the longer you will need to get over it. Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. It’s essential to get over your last relationship before going into another. You need to happy with who you are. I hope you will be amazed by how much strength you have when you see your self-worth! The last step is to go to a mirror, look at your reflection like it is your best friend (you really should be your own best friend), smile, and tell that person how terrific he/she is. Do this on a daily basis!

Until next time, get involved and enjoy life!

For more information on break-ups and building self-esteem consider these two sources: https://positive-way.com and https://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/self-esteem.html