Have you ever had someone in your life who apologized for something that they did or said, yet, in the back of your mind, you knew the apology was far from being sincere for the action that was done? From our early years, we are taught that when someone apologies, we should forgive and move on. Well, I have grown weary of those “sorry apologies”. Now, I would like to take the time to get to the core of what a REAL apology consists of.

A man named Randy Pausch, died on July 25, 2008 at the age of 47. Randy appeared to have everything going for him in life. He was happily married and was raising three beautiful children. He did not expect what was about to hit him and his family. Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and doctors gave him only a few months to live. Upon hearing that devastating news, his mission in life was obviously changed. Randy turned what was a negative experience into a positive one. He prepared a presentation that he called “The Last Lecture: Living Your Childhood Dream”. Randy became popular and down-right famous practically over night. People were attracted to his common sense, and uplifting attitude towards life, even though his was soon to end.

In one part of Randy’s speech, he focuses on the elements of an apology… a real and sincere apology. Randy says “A bad apology is worse than no apology”. SAYING you are sorry is a start, but it is far from the finish line. In his words, he says “Apologies are not a pass/fail, but any performance lower than an ‘A’ really doesn’t cut it”.

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Kimberly Johnson

Randy said the first step is admitting “What I did was wrong”. This requires an explanation of what was done that hurt the other person, intentionally or not. The apologizer needs to tell what they did was wrong and also include WHY they did what they did.

The second step is saying “I feel badly that I hurt you”. This is said by words, yet it is also reflected by their actions. How sorry are they really? How could they compare their hurt with the hurt they caused you?

The third step is telling the other person “How do I make this better?” How far are they willing to go to show you that they are sorry? He/She had the energy to do what they did, now how much energy are they going to put into making things better?

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese

A real apology is done IN PERSON. Any coward can write an apology letter or leave a sobbing voicemail. In today’s world, people should be accountable for their actions, allowing the person who was hurt to either accept the apology or torch it up in a ball of fire. No one is required to accept any apology that they feel is not a sincere one. We are human and we make mistakes on a daily basis, but that’s no excuse to leave it there. Even when this is the end of the relationship, it shouldn’t end without an explanation. So the next time you hurt someone or someone hurts you, remember what Randy Pausch suggests. It could save a friendship or even keep a relationship from falling to pieces.

An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. ~Lynn Johnston

Until next time, get involved and enjoy life!

For more information about Randy Pausch, visit his website at https://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/