> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
> bed.
> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this
> time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started....
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed
> my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
> the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
> the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
> out fishing in that?"
> And then the fight started ...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man next
> to her "Holy Crap. That must be my husband!"
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the
> window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
> his car as fast
> as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
> and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
>
> The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running???"
>
> And then the fight started......
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
> happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look
> old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment."
>
> The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
>
> And then the fight started......
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
>
> "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since."
>
> "My God!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security....
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
> age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
> come back later.
>
> The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair.
> She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she
> processed my Social Security application.
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too."
>
> And then the fight started...
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds."
>
> I bought her a scale .
>
> And then the fight started...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, "What's on TV?"
>
> I said, "Dust."
>
> And then the fight started...
>