Just back and trying to put something together.
In the meantime,read David Barry.
Will post more soon.





>
>
>
> Dave Barry is a nationally known syndicated newspaper
> columnist, this is from his colonoscopy journal:
>
>
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
> to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his
> office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
> that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
> through Minneapolis.
>
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
> procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
> manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
> said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
A
> TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
>
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
a
> box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
> to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
>
>
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began
> my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
> water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
> moviPrep.
>
>
>
> You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
> plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
> unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
> you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
> MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
> spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
>
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
> 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like
> saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
> with the ground.
>
>
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't
> want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
> shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
> violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
> figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
> liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
> food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
>
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally
> got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
> very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
> been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
> thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend
> for something like that?
>
> Flowers would not be enough.
>
>
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
> said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
> where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
> and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
> the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
> naked than when you are actually naked.
>
>
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little
> needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted,
> but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
> me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was
> ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what
> would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
> so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
> have no choice but to burn your house.
>
>
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies. .. Colonoscopies are
> no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... .
> A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
> patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
>
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're
> boldly going where no man has gone before!
>
>
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
>
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
>
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
> Are we there yet?'
>
>
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're
> now legally married.'
>
>
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,
> Chief?'
>
>
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take
> your left hand out...'
>
>
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
> feels!'
>
>
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you
> must quit!
>
>
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find
> my dignity.'
>
>
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at
> Enron, didn't you?'
>
>
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not
> gay.'
>
>
>
>
>
> And the best one of all.
>
>
>
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my

> head is not up there?'