You'll need the following:

l cup of water
1 cup of sugar
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of butter
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of flour
1 tsp of salt
lemon juice
chopped nuts
1 bottle of rum

Sample the rum to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the rum again.
To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp of sugar and beat again. Make sure the rum is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt - or something. Who cares?
Check the rum.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever.
Grease the oven, Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the rum again and go to bed (if you can).