Paddy says to Mick 'Mick, why do them scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat, when they go in the water'

'Don't be daft' says Mick, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat'.

~~~~~~

This blonde called 911, screaming, "Help me, help me my house is on fire."
The dispatch said, "Ma'am, please calm down. I need to get some information from you." 
Again the blonde yelled, "Help me, Help me my house is on fire."
The dispatch said, "Ma'am calm down,tell me, how do we get to your house?" 
The blonde replied, "Duh... In the big red truck."

~~~~~~

Why do women have small feet?

...so they can get closer to the cooker!

~~~~~~

A little kid called Danny is at primary school. The class is doing maths. "Danny, if I gave you 2 hamsters and then 3 more hamsters, how many would you have?" asks the teacher.

"6!" replies Danny.

"No, think about it again," says the teacher.

"6!" repeats Danny.

The teacher sighs, "Look, put it a different way. If I gave you 2 apples then 3 more apples, how many would you have?" 

"5!"

"So, 2 hamsters and 3 more is?"

"6!"

"No!" cries the frustrated teacher, "How did you work that out!?"

"Well that’s 2 hamsters plus 3 hamsters plus the 1 I've got at home!"

~~~~~~

A Priest, A Vicar and a Rabbi were discussing how they use the money from the collection plate.

The Priest says, 'all the money we collect is used for the glory of God.'

The Vicar say's, 'half the money goes to the glory of God and the other half toward the restoration of the church.'

The Rabbi says, 'I take the collection plate round the back of the church and I throw it in the air. What God wants he takes and what he doesn't want he throws back down.'