A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast
of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky
cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were
grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters. 
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The
only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. 

The doctor says "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some
help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty
bad shape and I am needed here to care for them." 

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to
comfort the injured or perform last rights." 

The lawyer says, "No problem." He immediately strips off his shirt and
dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the
water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have
formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to
swim between them. 

"My god!", says the priest. "It is a miracle!"

The doctor, looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No father. It
is not a miracle.  It's professional courtesy!" 

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different
than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are
some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories: 
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. 
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a
 fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size: 
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. 
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. 

Fathers: 
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. 
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. 

Campus Decor: 
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. 
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners. 

Homecoming Queen: 
NORTH: Also a physics major. 
SOUTH: Also Miss America. 

Heroes: 
NORTH: Rudy Guliani 
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning 

Getting Tickets: 
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
 and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
 and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game: 
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because
 they have classes on Friday. 
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
 few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking: 
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game
 parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the
 weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day: 
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. 
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
 to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
 to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast
 from their campus.

Tailgating: 
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio
 station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
 accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
 during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium: 
NORTH: You ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
 in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
 state's third largest city. 

Concessions: 
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. 
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it,
 filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played: 
NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
 up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
 harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score: 
NORTH: Nothing changes. 
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon. 

Commentary (Male): 
NORTH: "Nice play." 
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs." 

Commentary (Female): 
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." 
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs." 

Announcers: 
NORTH: Neutral and paid. 
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear
 in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game: 
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. 
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the
 nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next
 week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of
Southern football.

Some guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.  One of them walked
into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." 

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" asked the clerk.  The fellow replied,
"Um, I'll have to check with the rest of the boys."  He went out to his
truck and within a few minutes returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I
meant two-by-fours." 

"Alright," replied the clerk. "How long do you need them?" 

He stood there scratching his head while pondering this question and
replied, "Well, um, a long time.  We're gonna build a house." 

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED
COMPUTING FACILITY? 

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision
they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a
sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to
live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without
direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the
care of an Assisted Computing Facility.  But you have questions. So many
questions. 

We at Silicon Pines want to help. 

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"? 

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," 
"Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically
Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted
living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment
for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most
fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and
encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically
relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually
having to understand or execute the technologies themselves. 

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF? 

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions,
of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue
burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them.
But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating
affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely
personal. You must ask yourself: 

"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an
email attachment?" 

"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different
from hard drive memory?" 

"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the
motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'" 

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we
encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to
bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm
in Here! - A Resident's Story." 

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF? 

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or
at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however,
individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The
reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to
accommodate all the technologically challenged.  For example, there are
currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million
AOL users. 

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST? 

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is
currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are
covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but
reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. 

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance
Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of
pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as
BlueCache/BlueScreen. 

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which
subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America
Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there
is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service
contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the
installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that
residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents
on lavatory tissue. 

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED? 

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family
member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs.  Frazier
and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In
that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old
parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and
Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According
to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and
warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents
received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they
explained, "it came from someone we know." 

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an
Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents.
If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this
is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and
say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned
Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives,
and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including
telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks.  However, only a
facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs)  should perform
computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving
email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions
because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes
things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them,
relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve." 

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT? 

No. 

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE? 

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines
and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in
the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But
whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long
waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb. 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. 

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step
on exhaust." 

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.  Every night, after dinner, he took
off for the local watering hole.  He spent the whole evening there, and
arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.  He always had
trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. 

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.  Then
she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out
and coming home in a drunken state.  But, Harry continued his nightly
routine. 

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and
was particularly distraught by it all.  The friend listened to her and
then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes
home?  Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words
and welcome him home with a kiss?  He then might change his ways." 

The wife thought it was worth trying. 

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.  And, about midnight, he
arrived home, in his usual condition.  His wife heard him at the door,
quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. 

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his
arm and led him into the living room.  She sat him down in an easy chair,
put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.  Then she went
behind him and started to cuddle him a little.  After a while, she said to
him,

"It's pretty late.  I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't
you?" 

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state,

"I guess we might as well.  I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" 

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened
from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch
me". 

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about?  We're both lying
here in bed together, and talking to one another." 

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." 

Her husband insists, "You're not dead! What in the world makes you think
you're dead?" 

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and
nothing hurts."

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his 
host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental 
deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied.  "You ask him a simple question which 
everyone should answer with no trouble.  If he hesitates, that puts you on 
the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world 
and died during one of them.  Which one?'" The editor thought a moment, 
then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another 
example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about history."

God heals -- doctor's just send the bills.

What they say, what they mean:

"This should be taken care of right away."
   I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
   He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
   I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
                 --or--
    I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
     Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
     I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
     He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
     I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
     I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
     Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
     I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
     The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
     Rats!  I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
     I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
     My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.

 "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
      I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.

Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth - When the hard part begins.

Cravings - An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation - One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's
word for. 

Elastiphobia - Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records
for "Most Stretch Marks." 

First trimester - The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is
it too late to hire a surrogate mother?" 

Maternity clothes - What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a
reason she's fat. 

Miracle - 1) The birth of a baby.
          2) The fact that you lived to tell about it. 

Obstetrician - The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think
you're caught in the jaws of death. 

Pregnant pause - The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant
woman to get out of a chair. 

Prenatal - When your life was still your own.

Pushing - The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the
size of a dime. 

Second trimester - The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband
notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets
home?" 

Third trimester - The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much
longer can I keep from waddling?" 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS,
EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR
HOSPITALS. 
   
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. 
   
The skin was moist and dry. 
   
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 
   
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 
   
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce. 
   
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 
   
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed. 
   
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 
   
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week. 
   
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles. 
   
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 
   
She is numb from her toes down. 
   
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. 
   
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 
   
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 
   
The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However he took a job as a
stockbroker instead. 
   
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 
   
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. 
   
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress. 
   
Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
   
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

 ONLY IN AMERICA

 1. Only in America. . . . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than
    an ambulance. 

 2. Only in America. . . . . . are there handicap parking places in front
    of a skating rink. 

 3. Only in America. . . . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the
    way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy
    people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

 4. Only in America. . . . . . do people order double cheese burgers,
    large fries, and a diet coke. 

 5. Only in America. . . . . . do banks leave both doors open and then
    chain the pens to the counters. 

 6. Only in America. . . . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
    in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 

 7. Only in America. . . . . . do we use answering machines to screen
    calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
    we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 8. Only in America. . . . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
    buns in packages of eight. 

 9. Only in America. . . . . . do we use the word 'politics' to describe
    the process so well:  'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
    meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America. . . . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with
    Braille lettering. 

There has been a lot of controversy in the past few years about various
countries issuing patents for well-known or "obvious" ideas. 

Assuming it's not an elaborate practical joke, US patent #5443036 appears
to be a good example of this:  According to the IBM patent server at
https://www.patents.ibm.com/details?&pn=US05443036__ ... It looks like
this: 

US patent #5443036: "Method of exercising a cat"
by Kevin T. Amiss and Martin H. Abbott
filed 2 Nov 1993, issued 22 Aug 1995

Abstract:
   A method for inducing cats to exercise consists of directing a beam
   of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus onto the
   floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat,
   then moving the laser so as to cause the bright pattern of light to
   move in an irregular way fascinating to cats, and to any other animal
   with a chase instinct.

Sunbathing (TRUE STORY)

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
  "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered
 off the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship.  Their
 rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities
 questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.  They claimed that a cow,
 falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,
 shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
 
 They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
 reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
 cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
 Siberian airfield.  They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily
 departed for home.  Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was
 ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold.  To save the
 aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as
 they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
 
 Truth is stranger than fiction.

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 

 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 

 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

 6. "Did he kill you?"

 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
        you?
    A: "I went to Europe, sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
        notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" 
    A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
        autopsy." 

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
        pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
        the autopsy?" 
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
        somewhere..."