With the coronavirus reaching pandemic proportions, an emergency meeting took place at the United Nations to try to halt the progression of this world wide menace. Seeing how Italy has done the prudent thing in shutting down their country, the General Assembly has decided to close the Earth. Effective immediately, no admittance to our planet from any extraterrestrial source will be allowed. This includes all aliens , ETs, Morks. Alfs, and even astronauts living in space stations orbiting the Earth. Those astronauts will need to survive on Tang and freeze dried Spaghettios for the time being. David Bowie and Matt Damon will not be permitted to return to Earth. All candy imported from Mars will cease as well as Lorna Doones from our celestial lunar neighbor. In addition, all residents of Alpha Centauri and the Andromeda Galaxy will have their green cards suspended. A spokesman for the U.N. sub committee says these astringent safety measures will help insure a safer world to the human race. These sanctions are nothing to sneeze at. The World Health Organization wants to remind Earthlings that although our planet is under quarantine, the coronavirus does not stop people from experiencing worldly pleasures like group sex, having gourmet dinners without long waits at restaurants, shorter lines at Walmart, or just relaxing on the beach wondering where the hell is everyone.