This blog is actually a “Voter’s Choice” winner from that “other” site many of us fled in droves. However, I never got around to posting this. So, here it is, in its somewhat finished glory! I still think it needs some work, but I’ve always been my worst critic….

Chess is a game I’ve been trying to teach myself for many years now. My main problem in grasping it fully is that I don’t know many people who play and so I fall out of practice frequently.

The pieces in their various positions & rolls are not difficult to understand if you think about it. The Queen is the only feminine piece of the game and the only piece allowed to move how she pleases, really. The rest are predominantly male and like all men, they move in predictable ways according to their roll in life. All believing they are sly masters of “the game.”

Pawns: They are ultimately powerless and often the sacrificial lambs sent out to draw forces in a specific direction. They are mindless and most rarely evolve. They CAN be promoted if maneuvered correctly, but for the most part they simply follow orders and don’t pick up the mantle of responsibility. Witless after thoughts in my opinion, whose souls are easily broken and worse - owned. There are more Pawns in Chess than any other piece in the game and lord knows there are far too many in life.

The Bishop: In chess, the Bishop represents the church, an entity that is wealthy and powerful and has a great deal of influence. The Bishop strikes from an angle in chess, hitting you on your blind side where you’re least expecting it. In life, the Bishop is often arrogant with his wealth, whether that is wealth of knowledge or finances, connections, influence or any combination thereof. Beating your confidence down is what he does best, and he’ll beat it by any means necessary; fists, words, mind games, double crossed deals, infidelity or any other dirty little trick he can think of. I’ve dated my share of Bishops – and it took a good 4 years to recover from the last one. These bastards are pure evil.

The Knight: The Knight is a protector and ranks below the Bishop in chess. A knight charges forward to make a bold statement. It is not difficult to imagine a knight charging out onto the field in order to protect his King or Queen from attack. Because of this, the image of The Knight has been over romanticized through time. The idea of the “Dark Knight” vs. the “White Knight” diametrically opposed in pursuit of a fair maiden has been drilled into our heads like the alphabet. As a result we have been lead to believe in The Knight. The ultimate ideal man; Brave. Chivalrous. And charming. I wretch at the thought. The Knight is nothing more than a glorified pawn. Important, yes. But can easily fall short of high expectations they place upon themselves. I run into so many men of this kind. Ones who believe they need to protect me, and kneel before me in almost worshipful reverence. None of whom have the balls to deliver anything of what they promise and I end up saving myself from their folly. I hate them! I have more respect for Bishops, who at least can admit to themselves they’re devious bastards. Knights I sum up in 3 simple words: Pretty, but dumb.


The King: The King is supposedly the most powerful piece on the board. Placing an opponent’s King in check is the ultimate aim. But if you stop to think about it, a King is almost as worthless as a Pawn and bloated in ego as a Knight. He is limited in how he can move, even when under threat and often looks to The Queen for help. Or will cower behind the safety of a Rook, only then having the courage to do anything. Kings are nothing more than fat lazy bastards.

The Rook: In western chess, the Rook is represented as a fortified tower, behind which archers take aim at the enemy. Thus a Rook moves in straight lines and like the archers his aim is true. You could almost pity the poor idiot who finds himself the target of these arrows. A Rook rarely misses. Respect & truth are vital to a Rook and will always be returned in full. If not, one of his arrows will be your only reward, quickly banishing you from his presence & his mind. He’s there to do a job and will see it through to the end, good or bad. With or without you. The Rook is ornery by nature and often harsh when letting one of his arrows fly, but you will always know where you stand with a Rook. In other words, the Rook has balls and will actually use them – and to your advantage if you can keep up with him.

*SIGH*

I need a Rook.