It's hard to believe another year has nearly gone by. And I can't complain about 2008 because (for the most part) it has treated me very well. I spent it with the most amazing man I have ever met. I also got to experience the best summer of my life, studying theater in New York City. Later in the year, I performed in a play which was some of the most fun I've had on stage. And it enabled me to reconnect with old friends. I FINALLY got a good, full-time job. The time has just flown by so fast.

My weekends of late have been filled with Christmas shopping, sending greeting cards, and trying to get into the holiday spirit in general. But something just doesn't feel right. It hasn't felt like Christmas for me yet.

Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas. I just think I'm getting frustrated with all the commercialism associated with the holiday. I am by no means a religious person, but there are times when I think about Linus's speech in A Charlie Brown Christmas (you know, about the true meaning of Christmas) and wish we could all take a cue from him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just chill out a bit? I know that as I get older, the Christmas "responsibilities" will continue to accumulate. Eventually I hope to get married and have children. And while that's great and all, it's only going to mean more Yuletide madness. I don't mean we as a society should abandon Christmas traditions altogether, but maybe we should just cut back a little. Times are tough now anyway with the way the economy is. But, then again, I think about all the effort my parents (especially my mother) put into Christmas for my and my sister growing up. I think that's what inspires me to make Christmas special for those I love, and that negates all the chaos and pressure.

My mother, well her absence, is the other factor preventing me from getting into full Christmas mode. My mother died when I was 17 years old. Nothing -including Christmas- has been the same since. Like I said before, my mother always had a way of making the holiday so incredibly special for my sister and I. We were by no means rich, but my Mom and Dad always seemed to shower Jillian and I with gifts each year. Christmas morning was exciting, almost magical. "Santa" would leave my presents on the left side of the tree; Jillian's on the right. He "ate" the cookies we left or him, and "drank" the milk, too. And I (pretty much) always got the things I had wished for. And every single year, "Santa" brought me my requisite Barbie Doll. I was a lucky little girl. Christmas or not, my parents never missed an opportunity to let my sister and I know how much they loved us...And that's why it hurts so fucking much that my mother isn't here anymore...

I should probably mention that my father and sister currently live far away from me now. My Dad is in Texas, and my sister is in Mexico. So it's just hard getting into the Christmas spirit when things have become so vastly different from the way they were when I was growing up. I feel like I've been "faking it" this Christmas, if it's at all possible to fake a holiday. Like I'm just going through the motions. I've bought nearly all of my gifts, listened to Christmas music, sent greeting cards, but I still can't get into it.

I'm actually going to see my Dad in Texas for Christmas this year. It will be a surprise for him. Weather-wise, I'm sure it'll feel even less like Christmas there, considering I'll probably be opening presents and enjoying eggnog in SHORTS, but what can you do? I am so glad I'll be able to spend some time with my Dad. It's been over a year since I last saw him. Can't wait to see the look on his face -he has no clue I'm coming!

I'm hoping that's when Christmas will really click for me -when I get to spend time with the most important people in my life- and tell them how much I love them. As I said, Christmas has not been (and probably never will be)the same since my mother's passing. But I can only hope to have a family of my own one day to spoil on Christmas. And if I have a little girl, you'd better believe she's getting a Barbie Doll every year.