Back at the beginning of December, my buddy Big Jeff and his Wife welcomed the arrival of their daughter April. Back during the pregnancy I had agreed to be on call to watch over their Dogs while they were at the hospital.

When the call came to do my duty, neither of us had anticipated that I would essentially become their pet’s caregiver for most of the month. No problem. I love their dogs and felt wonderful helping them out while they waited for the doctors to release his Wife and Daughter.

The most enjoyable aspect of the favor was the unexpected vacation from my household. I essentially got to live at their house for a week taking care of Moose, Mona and Monty while enjoying Cable channels I don’t get at my house, enduring the addiction that is Guitar Hero III and learning to deal with the antics of his dogs.

Big Jeff has trained his dogs to a schedule of feeding, pooping and relaxing in the Man Basement, (see my earlier posts about this fabled Shangri-la). What I did not expect was their never-ending attempts to reenact the feeding part of their day over and over again.

The dogs are fed in a specific room in his house adjacent to the Man Basement (also known as his laundry room). The usual drill involves putting the dogs outside to do their business while I prepare their portions of food in their pet cages. This is usually done around the same time in the afternoon everyday.

After the preparation is complete, I ascend the stairs to unleash the dogs, as I come to the top of the stairs and look out the door, the first thing I notice is Moose’s head bobbing in the window, he is hopping on his hind legs in anticipation of food. Mona and Monty are Terriers and cannot jump that high.

I then open the door to let them in. It is like being caught in the middle of stampeding water buffalo.

All three of them thunder down the stairs and mill about in front of the door to the laundry room.

I open door and shout the command to make them enter their cages…. As if I really needed to, that’s where the food is, and that’s where they’re going. And then peace reigns as they inhale their kibble.

About fifteen to twenty minutes later, it’s time to let them out of the cages and the next adventure begins. Water…. *sigh*

Immediately upon release Moose being the dominant male will descend on the water bowl. The other two leave him alone, and he begins to tank up.

“Slop, slop, Slop, Slop”

It becomes obvious to anyone paying attention that left to their own devices, the dogs; (at least the males) would drink water till they hurt themselves.

So I bellow the command, “LEAVE IT!” and Moose sulks as he backs away from the water bowl.

Immediately thereafter, Monty goes to the bowl.

“Laplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplap”

I give Monty a few minutes and then he’ll get the command.

“LEAVE IT!”

Monty slinks away. At this point, we all relax as I give them time to digest before planning to take them outside to do their business.

As I watch some TV, out of the corner of my eye, I can see Moose, trying to stealthily make his way back to the bowl, (he is a big Chocolate Lab, not a ninja).

“Slop, slop, Slop, Slop”

Give him a minute….

“LEAVE IT!”

He moves away…

“Laplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplap”

I didn’t see Monty go for the bowl, (he is a small Wire Hair Terrier, more ninjaesque than Moose).

“LEAVE IT!”

This continues for the next five to ten minuets before the boys finally give up and lie down for a rest.

Twenty minutes go by, and now it is time to let them outside.

Stand back as the herd is on the move!

My entire issue with these antics is that while they are outside taking the longest piss in recorded history, I am refilling the now empty water bowls in the house.

I give them time to run, pee, poop (hopefully, cuz Mona has a demonic colon) and let off some steam. I may have to go out and stop a bark fest, if Jeff’s neighbor has let out their small rat dog.

They have yelled at me about the dogs trying to "attack" their dog through the fence before, but it’s really hard to feel bad, when the pet in question looks like a natural target for a rodent destroyer like a pair of Terriers.

Time to go inside.

The Water Buffalo descend the steps as if their life depends on it.

And they line up at the door to the feeding room. THEY KNOW THEY JUST ATE!They aren’t stupid, they just want to be fed again, as this is how it usually goes when it’s feeding time.

I ignore them and go sit down. Eventually they realize no food is coming so they settle for more water.

“Slop, slop, Slop, Slop”

“LEAVE IT!

There is no noise, but Mona passes gas if she doesn’t poop and I go temporarily blind for a few minutes.

“Laplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplaplap”

“LEAVE IT!”

Repeat… ad nauseum.

Thankfully, though, Mona only farts occasionally, so I am just yelling at the boys. I sometimes wonder, if they think this is a game… cuz if so, Mona wins, as she goes upstairs from the basement when I’m not looking to drink in the kitchen at her leisure.