If I’m so smart why ain’t I rich?


I am 61 years old. I have arthritis, diabetes and have suffered three heart attacks. My entire monthly income is the $674 I collect from social security disability. This is my resume’.

Aside from being a genius with an IQ between 135 and 145 my best virtue is frugality. Over the last ten-day period I have spent exactly $0.25. As I was going from pizza joint to pizza joint filling out applications and trying to restart my delivery career I spotted a gumball machine that dispensed “Hot Tamales@”. I had a bad taste in my mouth and I knew that would kill it. I got 16 tamales for my quarter. I still have 11 of them.

I want everyone to know right from the get go that it is not true that I sit around all day in my underwear writing blog posts. The actual truth is that I can’t afford underwear. And that ain’t good because I can’t afford window shades either. Which is why I’m writing this resume’.

I have not been able to find meaningful employment so I am going to try to go into business for myself. I want to be a dog walker. If you live on the south side of Chicago and own a dog, or if you know anyone who does, please either forward this resume’ to them or contact me directly at the web address below.

I mean think about it. Don’t you have a friend who might find it amusing to brag that he has a genius following his dog around picking up its hot little crap cakes? I know I’ve got friends like that.

Another thing I’ve got going for me is that, as you well know, I am no bigot either. I’ll pick up after Mexican dogs, Jewish dogs, African American dogs…I just don’t care. I’ll even pick up after communist dogs. That’s how determined a capitalist I am. Would Jonathan Honig pick up communist dog crap? I don’t think so. (Call me if you own a dog, Jonathan.)

I’m not asking for the government to help me. That would be wrong. I’m asking you to help me. So help me already. Help me help to help you. Help me to help myself. Or just send money. Whatever works for you.

This is the Capitalist Dog signing off and reminding you to help me.

P.S. – I want you rich widows out there to know that although I am not as good as I once was I am better once than I ever was. No Viagra necessary. All natural and damn handsome, too. (Photos on request.)

NOBULLTHINKER141@ YAHOO.COM