This is the question on my mind this morning. I have stuck in my marriage since the very beginning knowing that it was not a good one. My husband has done nothing but constantly live out his fantasies and have his ego stroked by women on the Internet. I know that some do not consider this cheating, but I do! When is enough enough? So last night it came to blows and I let loose. I was so frustrated and could no longer hold my tongue on many subjects. I also could no longer hold the tears... which I hate! I hate to let him see me weak enough to cry.
Anyhow, I had so much frustration built up and the majority of it stemming from two things. One, I am horny as hell and want sex with my husband! He has not touched me in months and the few times he has even looked at me all he does is point out the stretch marks that I have. Well damn, I am carrying your child. What do you expect my body to look like? Asshole! Second, I have yet to find the compassion to forgive him for all the times he has had his "fun" online. Each time I catch him tears a little more into my soul. I honestly do not know if I will ever trust him again or feel safe around him again.
So I told myself yesterday that I was going to go home and just jump him. I figured he was not going to come onto me, so I needed to take it in my own hands. This is not normally a hard feat for me, but since I feel like my body disgusts him it is hard to be the one to initiate sex. Also, on a side note, before anyone says that he cannot read my mind and that he probably does not realize how much I miss having sex, you are wrong! I have flat out told him on multiple occasions that i want to have sex and I want for him to come onto me! OK, so now back on track... So I walk in all ready to get randy, lol. Nope, not gonna happen. He is once again in the liqour bottle, which means no sex for me. When he drinks several things happen. One, he is not able to climax which in turn drags sex out and just makes it uncomfortable for us both. He gets aggravated because I start loosing interest (we are talking 45 mins into it) then I get aggravated because he starts getting rough. The longer it takes the rougher it gets to where it is not enjoyable at all. Far from enjoyable. Rough is only cool when both parties are into it.
Anyhow, so all of this comes out and I express my frustration. It turns into a yelling match and me balling my eyes out. Well, last night brought something new to the table. I have been sticking with this marriage because I just knew that he loved me deeply and one day we would get past all this silly shit. After talking (yelling) last night it became obvious that he does not love me. He is just as unhappy and wants nothing more but to have his old life back. The only reason he will not let me go is because of this child.
So, when is it time to quit? Is now the time to give up before the baby is born? Should I wait it out and see how the relationship changes after the baby arrives? So many questions! Also, if we split then I am moving back to Florida! He has already said on multiple occasions that in no way am I leaving this county with the baby. He has also said that if we split I am not staying in the house. Hmm, where does that leave me? I have no family and few friends in this area. The friends I do have all live in tiny apartments and in no way would a woman like me be welcomed with a newborn baby. So, it would be a nasty split if I did leave now or at any time. He has said on several occasions too that no judge would give me custody of the baby because I sell sex toys as a part-time job. *sigh* I am so freakin confused!

*update*
I found out today that I will not be able to leave the state with the baby if we are separated. If the baby is born here in NC, then I must stay here until the divorce is final and a judge approves me moving to Florida. Even worse... year waiting period for the divorce.