I am sitting here trying to figure out how it is possible to feel so alone in a world full of people.  Maybe it is highlighted by the fact that I really don't have a reason to feel this way because there are so many people around me.  I have a loving and supportive family.  I have a sweetheart of a boyfriend.  I am well-known in my profession and actually have a huge network through that.   So, what the fuck is up?
     How can it possibly be that I am sitting here wondering what to do with myself? It is not just that I am bored on a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do.  I am full of an emptiness that almost hurts from not having someone there to turn to.
     What is sad is that I almost feel like I have to lie to everyone around me because they all think that everything is just perfect.  Like I have no reason feel like I have any troubles.  To be honest, I am just so sick of putting forth this facade.  I just want people to see the real me and not place such high expectations on me all the time.
    I really am not brave enough to do it.  I guess that sounds funny.  Most people assume that it takes all the strength to buckle down and bull through all of your problems so you can go on with life.  But in reality, that is the easiest thing to do because it is what everyone expects from you.  When you do that, you get to see people be proud of you because, once again, you have lived up to their expectations.  You did what had to be done when no one else was going to do it.  You got through the hardship.
     But no one really realizes how much it hurts to see that look of disappointment...that confirmation that you did such a terrible job by failing those people.
     How do we let ourselves get trapped in our public personae that we can't just sit back and enjoy being ourselves, both the good and the bad?  In the process we place a wall between us and the people around us.  It doesn't matter whether they are strangers, acquaintances, friends, lovers, partners, or spouses.  We just don't let them get close enough to us to know the real person we are on the inside.
    Well, I am just frigging sick of all of this shit.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  I almost feel like I just want to give up and start all over.  Redefine who I am.  Try and be the person who I am rather than what other people want and expect.
     Does this ever get better?