i saw the loveliest little apartment today that I would love to pick up and move into. but will i be devastated once i know he and i don't live together anymore? i really love him. he is kind, mellow, and a comfort to me, although i feel a distance between us due to our not spending time together bonding.

during the week when i arrive home at five, we have two and a half hours that he is home before going to his night job. Meanwhile, his dirty dishes are in the sink, his shoes and clothes are all over the living room, and he is napping in bed. What am i supposed to do after work? i don't even want to come directly home after my job, knowing what awaits.

If I lived completely alone, i would stop off at the gym after work, then to the bookstore or to a night class or social group. My home would be fresh and uncluttered however, late at night in bed, i would ache for his touch and that is the time i would cry and ache and curse myself for ending us.

Then, it seems so hard when his three sons, approaching 13 and 10 (twins)come here on weekends and take over the living room on account of the extra bedroom being so cluttered I consider it unlivable. He is tired then too, because he works so much therefore, i become resentful when they are permitted to lazily lounge and not be willing to so much as take out the trash without a direct order from their dad, something that he is not programmed to give (he'd rather let it go or do it himself). I am glad to help out with his child responsiblities, but refuse to take up his slack for his over-easygoing attitude and their sheer, permitted laziness.

He is 40 and I am twelve years older if that sheds other light. I don't want to be step mommy in a cramped apt . I am jealous of them. Does this make me a terrible person? Before you think I may be selfish or bitchy, know that i have not until now, expressd anything but support and gentleness with my sweetie or his boys. I beleive they have well transitioned now from the divorce two years ago, and perhaps i, and my resources are no longer needed.

thank you