The question of the century for me. I am always the hardest person on myself and I always criticize myself for things I do wrong or screw up on, and it always seems that I do one or the other and a lot of times...both.
I am like my own critic/ drill sgt. as in my mind, I need to be. I am not the brightest bulb in the pack sometimes and my mouth usually gets ahead of me before I think of how I word things or present my case. I never want to hurt people, nor do I want to add to other people's problems. I am my own problem and that is enough. That is probably why I hold things in, as I would rather try to help someone else through their struggles.
That being said, I ask myself, Am I a help or a hindrance? i want my girl to be better. I want her to heal. I want her to find self worth and self acceptance. I know she struggles so much everyday, and I would take that away from her if I could. The problem is that she is going through things that I have already gone through, but any advice I have is useless or comes off as being " buck up camper, you'll get through it" and less like I know your pain and I hate to see you hurt so bad. We are, and have known since we met, that we are at different spots of healing. I thought I could be a help, but I feel like I always say wrong things at the wrong time, or stupid things that come off as uncaring or misunderstanding. I have always written better than I speak, but when I don't talk it seems that I don't care, but I do.
So, am I helping by just being here and waiting patiently for her to love me so much as she can, or am I in the way and putting too much on her...too many expectations can get in the way of healing, because when you juggle things, you can't focus on what needs to be focused on one at a time.
I struggle everyday with things that she does, maybe some more or less than others, but I do know her pain. I would rather take the pain from her and die than to let her go through even the tiniest bit of pain she is feeling. I struggle everyday with self worth and self acceptance, but I would rather see her healed completely than to feel better myself.
So , I really do not know if I help or hinder her healing process. I want to help, but I have to face the facts that I may be in the way of her healing process. I want to be wrong about this, as I love her so much. I am doing everything I can to help, but I just can't make her smile. Maybe I am just not doing enough? I wish I knew answers to life's little questions, such as these, but as I said before, we have to go through hard times to learn how to find those answers. I just want to do more good than damage. I want to see her heal completely and come to full bloom, but I am not sure if I am in the way or not.
These are just my thoughts and how my mind works...I think my heart is bigger than my brain, when my brain should be bigger so that I could learn the answers and be a better help. I guess we are who we are, I just wish I knew who that was. Thanks for hearing me out.