So the fantastic tabloid drama of Sir Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather "Stumpy" Mills has come to an end: the model/activist is hopping (pun intended) away from this thing about $33 million richer, plus the child support for the couple's daughter (which I'll refrain from calling "excessive", but it's more than thrice my annual income).

So, by my count, Heather made more than $8 million per year over the course of their 4 year marriage. All that to sleep with, live with, and bear the child of an aging rock star.

Suddenly my lifelong lesbian goal of seducing Joni Mitchell seems less like a naive dream and more like a business plan.

Joni Mitchell:







Now, of course, being a big Beatles fan as well as a pestering Barbiebrains, I thought it would be fun to interview Paul McCartney on the settlement.
Of course, I also think it would be fun to ride the luck dragon from the Neverending Story. That doesn't mean there's a chance in Hell of it happening.

So I did the next best thing: I juxtaposed my questions with Paul McCartney's on-the-record statements. By which I mean song lyrics (get it?! "On-the-record"?!).

What can I say? It's an experiment.



Barbie: Paul, thank you for taking time out of your insanely busy schedule to talk with me.
Paul: It's wonderful to be here.
Barbie: So, how's life been since the divorce?
Paul: It's getting better all the time.
Barbie: Better?
Paul: Better.
Barbie: Golly, that's just swell. Now, a lot of people seem pretty surprised by the size of the settlement Heather got. Does it bother you at all?
Paul: I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love.
Barbie: But apparently it can rent it for a few years, eh? Ha ha!
Paul: (silence)
Barbie: I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend...
Paul: I'll get you.
Barbie: Huh?
Paul: I'll get you in the end. Oh, yeah.
Barbie: ...um...are you threatening me?
Paul: Oh, yeah.
Barbie: Hmmm. I can see we've gotten off on the wrong foot. Is there any way we can patch things up?
Paul: We can work it out.
Barbie: Good, good. Because I'm a huge fan, and I'd hate to...
Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barbie: I'm sorry, you probably get a lot of that fan gushing, don't you?
Paul: All the people that come and go stop and say 'Hello'.
Barbie: Yeah, I can see how that would get tiresome after a while.
Paul: Oh, yeah.
Barbie: Y'know what? You're a busy guy, and I bet you've been under a lot of stress lately, so...
Paul: Goodbye.
Barbie: Um...well, yeah, no time to waste on long goodbyes, I suppose. You must have important things to do after we're done here.
Paul: I gotta get a belly full of wine.
Barbie: I hear that. Well, thanks for taking the time, Sir Paul; I doubt it's been as memorable for you as it has been for me, but...
Paul: I will remember things we said today.
Barbie: Wow, I'm honored. Well, take care, Paul. Don't let the divorce get you down.
Paul: Life goes on.
Barbie: That's the spirit. Stiff upper lip and all that. How very British of you. Well, have a safe trip home. Are you going by car or...?
Paul: Jet!
Barbie: Ah.
Paul: Woohoohoo Woohoohoo Woohoohoo.


Well, that was fun.

And c'mon, admit it: you thought I was going to go for the obvious "Yesterday" quote. And I didn't. So there.